Once Upon A Time
by Absolute Alcohol
Summary: What was I thinking? Ugh. Not even remotely near funny... I swear I'll never scar humour in such an unforgivable way again.


One day, Sephiroth was taking a stroll through the woods, as all super-villains do. He skipped merrily along, his long black cape trailing along the ground and picking up leaves and dirt. The Sleeping Forest was unusually quiet, and he broke the silence by strumming the Lunar Harp and singing loudly. 

"OH GREENSLEEEEEVES!!!" he hollered, sending all the happy, fluffy little animals scampering away into the bushes. He continued to sing, and leapt about madly, as though he were possessed. 

Then he stopped as suddenly as he'd started, and knelt down to admire himself in a pool of clear water. 

"Oh Sephy! You're so charming and handsome! And you have such a GREAT voice! Tee hee!" he giggled girlishly, pulling up his cape and wrapping it around his head like a shawl. He burst into a fit of giggles, rolling around on the ground and clutching his sides. 

"You disgust me, Sephiroth," snarled a voice from nearby. He stopped rolling around and laughing, and looked up to see the gruesome form of Jenova. 

"Oh. It's you. Always looking to spoil my fun, aren't you?" he pouted, rolling his eyes. 

"I just wish you'd be more evil! Oh yea, look at my son, he dresses up in women's clothes and blows kisses to himself in the mirror! I'M SO PROUD!" 

"YOU PROMISED NEVER TO TELL ANYONE, MOTHER!" Sephiroth whined, his lip trembling. Two big, fat tears rolled down his cheeks and splashed onto the ground. 

"Stop sniveling, maggot. Nobody heard." 

As those words escaped Jenova's somewhat-deformed lips, the sound of several people sniggering came from behind a tree, followed by the sound of a tape recorder rewinding and the flash of several cameras. 

"Back to business. I want you to do something evil. Maybe that will improve your reputation a bit." Jenova suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Sephiroth frowned. 

"Evil?! I need more description, people!" Sephiroth yelled. "Hmm… maybe I could go spy on Aeris when she's just got out of the shower… nyuk nyuk nyuk… but wait, she's dead!" 

He suddenly stretched his arms out to the sky. "WHY?! WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DIE?!" 

He pulled out the secret picture of Aeris in the gold, heart-shaped frame he always kept in his pocket, and sniffled slightly. 

"You killed her, dimwit!" Jenova's voice and the sound of something squishy banging repeatedly against a wall emanated from nowhere, and Sephiroth sighed. 

"Yeah, sure, nit-pick! But I'll have you back, Aeris. If it's the last thing I doooooo! MWA HA HA!!!" 

And with that, Sephiroth flew into the sky, dropping a piece of Jenova's leg to the ground. A dog darted out from behind a bush and began to chew at the piece of flesh. 

"Ah, crap! Good job I have enough money left for surgery." 

*** 

"C'mon, Cloud... here comes the choo-choo!" Tifa coaxed a writhing Cloud, trying to get a spoon into his mouth. 

"But I don't wanna! It's yucky!" he cried, pulling at the highchair he was sat in. 

"Look! Tifa will try some first to show you it's not yucky!" Aeris said, a grin spreading across her face. 

"I'll do this my own way, bitch." 

"Slut!" 

"Ho!" 

"Yo man, stop dat." Barret interrupted, holding the two squabbling young women away from each other. "I jus' got a call from Shera. Cid ain't well, an' we need ta deliver some 'Ultra-Mega-Super-Secret Potion' to his house." 

Before Barret could say anymore, the door was kicked off its hinges and the figure of a woman could be seen as the dust cleared. 

"But kicking down a door wouldn't make dust, would it?" asked Tifa. 

No, but it adds to the effect of the story. AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! ANYway... everyone gasped as they saw who the figure was. 

"Sephiroth?! What's with the dress?" Vincent gasped, saying more in two sentences than he usually says in a full day. 

"Tee hee, I'm not Sephiroth! I'm, umm... Bettina!" Sephirot- uhh, Bettina squealed in a high, singsong voice. 

"Sure. And I'm the Queen Mother." Tifa snorted, looking skeptical. [Author's Note: Sue me, I'm English.] 

"But I am! And I'm here to help you all! Tee hee!" Bettina flashed them one of his, I mean her, most winning smiles. 

"Then get in dat goddamn kitchen and do some cookin', woman!" Barret said, causing a huge mallet to appear from nowhere and hit him repeatedly over the head due to his extremely sexist remark. 

"&$)^" He cursed weakly, falling flat on his face. 

"OH MY GOD! HE'S **DEAD**!" Cloud shrieked, running from one end of the room to the other and clutching his head in his hands. "For the love of God, where shall we hide the body?!" 

"Relax Cloud, he's not dead! Just incredibly unconscious..." Aeris said, then she noticed that Tifa was shoving her breasts in Cloud's face as subtly as possible. 

"HEY! GET YOUR SILICONE-INFLATED CHEST AWAY FROM MY MAN!" she squealed, pulling her rod from nowhere and leaping at Tifa. 

"FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED, BITCH!" 

"SLUT!" 

"HO!" 

"PROSTITUTE!" 

"L00za! EheheheheHHeHE!1! REOFFLE!1!" 

"What the $*%£?!" Barret yelled, suddenly conscious again. God knows how these things happen.   
"I RUEL, AnD I iZ HeRe 2 TAK OVA FFIVI!1!" Cheesy Flamer #382637 giggled, looking extremely pleased with him/her/itself. That is, until it was hit by a bolt of lighting and slumped to the ground. 

"OH MY GOD! HE'S **DEAD**!" Cloud shrieked, running from one end of the room to the other and clutching his head in his hands. "For the love of God, where shall we hide the body?!" 

"Relax Cloud, he's not dead! Just incredibly unconscious..." Aeris said, then she noticed that Tifa was shoving her breasts in Cloud's face as subtly as possible. "HEY! GET YOUR SILICONE-INFLATED CHEST AWAY FROM MY MAN!" she squealed, pulling her rod from nowhere and leaping at Tifa. 

"Hello?! Is it me, or is history repeating itself?!" Red XIII asked, appearing suddenly. 

"NOOO! IT'S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX!" Cloud shrieked, running from one end of the room to the other and clutching his head in his hands. 

"And is it me, or does Cloud keep doing that?!" Aeris looked frustrated, and hit Cloud over the head with her Princess Rod, knocking him to the ground. 

"OH MY GOD! HE'S **DEAD**!" Yuffie shrieked, running from one end of the room to the other and clutching her head in her hands. "For the love of God, where shall we hide the body?!" 

"OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I CAME HERE TO GET AERIS BACK, BUT THIS ISN'T GOING THE WAY I PLANNED AT ALL!" Bettina whined, burying hi- umm, her face in her hands. 

Then she spun around, her clothes flying off and revealing- 

"Hey, isn't this supposed to be a PG13?" 

_...and revealing that she was really Sephiroth!_ There, satisfied? 

"Now I shall keel you all!" Putting on a Mexican accent, Sephiroth pulled out the black materia and prepared to summon Meteor. 

"Not so fast, bad guy!" A mysterious voice came from above, and Sephiroth looked up. Homer Simpson landed on him, hitting him square on the head and knocking him unconscious. 

"OH MY GOD! HE'S **DEAD**!" Cloud shrieked, running from one end of the room to the other and clutching his head in his hands. "For the love of God, where shall we hide the body?!" 

"This is... ugh. There's repetition, REALLY bad crossovers, and everyone KEEPS TALKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND **_SHOUTING_**! Not to mention dead people are alive, and unconscious people are fine!" Red XIII began to pace up and down the room, whining. 

"Set them all on fire with your tail, Red! Then it will aaalll be over..." A mysterious voice told him. 

"Maybe you're right, Mysterious Voice that's telling me to kill everyone. I really should trust you, after all, you're the voice of insanity and I'm the sanest one here." 

"AHA! Not true, for I am saner than you all! And I have decided to make this a crappy self-insertion fanfic as well!" 

The figure of a beautiful teenage girl materialized and stood in the corner of the room. Me, of course. All of the male characters took one look and ran off as fast as they could to get a cold shower. 

"All you needed to do to end it was to say THE END, summon the Leviathan materia, sing every single lyric to the song "In The End" by Linkin Park correctly, kill the Red Chocobo using Cloud's mysterious 'Die, dammit, die!' sword which is non-existent in the game, smear the chocobo's blood all over the unconscious body of Yuffie and sacrifice her to your God. Namely, me." 

All of the male population in the game came back from their cold showers, but continued to drool over me. 

"And that's it?" Cloud asked, looking sane for a second. Too good to be true, obviously, because the next second Cloud screamed, "I am a puppet!" and hit himself over the head with a frying pan several times. 

Tifa and Aeris stopped fighting for a second to take all this in. 

"Would it work with Tifa instead of Yuffie?" Aeris asked, looking hopeful. "Hmm... yep, I guess so," I replied, striking several poses in my red bikini and getting wolf whistles from every direction. 

"HEY! Would it work with Aeris, too?" Tifa frowned. I shook my head. 

"Afraid not. After all, Aeris is supposed to be dead already." 

"Alright... I'll do it! I'll go into the kitchen and steal all of their food without anyone knowing it!" 

Everyone turned to look at Homer, who was chuckling to himself and drumming his fingers together Mr. Burns style. 

"For the love of me, can't you all just get along and end this thing?!" I massaged my temples with two fingers, and let out a heavy sigh. 

"Fine. THE END!" Barret shouted, snatched the Leviathan materia from Yuffie, summoned it, sang 'In The End' by Linkin Park, used the Chocobo materia to get a mysterious red Chocobo, killed it using Cloud's sword, smeared the blood all over Yuffie, knocked Yuffie unconscious with the flat of Cloud's sword, and killed her whilst chanting praises to me. 

"I've got it all figured out! I'll hit Tifa with my rod and then sacrifice her!" Aeris clicked her fingers, and a lightbulb appeared over her head. 

"Haha, Barret's already done it! Now you CAN'T sacrifice me!" 

Aeris screamed in rage and leapt at Tifa, and they got into yet another one of their infamous scuffles. 

And things were peaceful and back to normal in the land of Final Fantasy 7, wherever it IS they live. 

Ahh, bless. 

I'm no good at endings, so here it is: 

THE END 

Aeris and Tifa got over their differences and both became nuns, killing almost every single writer's plotline and leaving them nothing to write except graphic Cid/Vincent stories. 

Homer Simpson went back to Springfield and got fired from the Power Plant because he got caught smoking uranium on the job. 

Cloud started at a brand new nursery and finally got over his problem of wetting the bed. 

Barret took the 'Ultra-Mega-Super-Secret Potion' to Cid's house and ended up being speared by Cid himself when he was found sleeping with Shera. 

Red XIII became a scientist, determined to find out why history kept repeating itself. 

Cid had to be taken away by those lovely men in the white coats because he kept hugging Barret's lifeless body, rocking back and forth and crying. 

Yuffie became a ghost and went round with her God [ME!] terrorizing Cloud and Marlene, causing every pair of Cloud's pants to be brown instead of purple. 

Marlene got adopted by Scarlet, and went to the same playschool as Cloud. They still play with My Little Ponies to this day. 

*** 

**Author's Note:** Yes, I'm sure it WAS crap and I'm sure I DID steal ideas from other people. And yes, I inserted myself, made people appear from nowhere, made dead people alive, portrayed most of the characters as idiots and/or morons, and made myself sound very glamorous (all true, of course), and a hell of a lot more besides. And no, it wasn't funny, but it's your fault for reading if you're now mentally scarred. And yes, I do own Squaresoft and all of the characters in this. You got a problem with all this, SUE ME. I dare ya. 


End file.
